


To Hell with Destiny

by Bellobelle



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Destiny, M/M, Screw Destiny
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-06
Updated: 2014-02-06
Packaged: 2018-01-11 08:41:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1171012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bellobelle/pseuds/Bellobelle
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Dragon tells Merlin it is his destiny to be by Arthur's side as his protector, not in Arthur's bed or in his heart. Sometimes Merlin hates that.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Hell with Destiny

The Great Dragon knew what was happening even before Merlin did.

It started when Merlin realized that Arthur was actually a good man, at heart. It started when Merlin woke from his poisoned sleep to be told that it had been Arthur who risked his life to get the flower that would save Merlin's life. It started when Arthur gave Lancelot a chance despite what his father told him to do. It started when Arthur sacrificed himself for Merlin and for the people of Camelot if it meant the Unicorn's curse would break.

"Do not fall in love with him," The Dragon warned with that great voice of his echoing around the cave, "It will not end well for either of you."

"I don't love him," Merlin said, heating despite his protests, "He's just not as bad as I thought he was. I think he's a good man."

"Merlin," The Dragon sighed, "Be careful of your emotions. It is not your destiny to be with him in that way."

"I know," Merlin said.

He did come to know, as time went on, just how futile it would be to fall in love.

He refused. If he caught himself staring at Arthur he would look away. He would not look at Arthur's hair in the bright sunlight, or his body as he fought with his knights on the training field, or his smile when he teased Merlin. Merlin would not notice the way Arthur's brow would wrinkle in frustration when Uther did something Arthur disapproved of. He would not stare at the way Arthur was perfect, he would not let himself. And he would not let himself notice the way Arthur sometimes stared back.

He tried to shut himself off. He refused to think about the feel of Arthur's touch; his arm about Merlin's shoulders, his muscular back to be scrubbed and bathed. He wouldn't come to crave those touches, he couldn't. He could never.

And when the touches became longer, when they came accompanied with a tingle of nerves and a rush of adrenaline, Merlin started to panic. Arthur's touches became more deliberate, more frequent, more private.

Elena was nice. Clumsy and possessed by a Sidhe, but nice. Merlin told Arthur so, minus the Sidhe part. Arthur blinked at him.

"She was a nice girl," He agreed, "But she wasn't who I wanted."

Merlin didn't dare ask who it was that Arthur did want.

"You are not destined for him," The Dragon warned when Merlin came to him in distress. "Destiny and the gods to not like to be interfered with, and broken hearts are not easily mended."

"I love him," Merlin confessed, hushed as if saying the words out loud would lead to his own execution.

"You should not."

"I know," He said, miserable. "The gods have other plans, he's destined for someone else...I know all that."

"Then you would do well to stop all this nonsense."

Merlin bit his lip, either to stop from insulting the Dragon or from crying.

"He feels the same," Merlin said, "I know he does."

"He is not destined for you," The Dragon repeated, "Your place is by his side for the rest of his life, Merlin, but not in his heart nor his bed. You must remind yourself of that."

Merlin screwed his eyes shut. "But he loves me too," he said.

"The gods," The Dragon said harshly, "Do not care. They have decided your destinies and it is your job to abide by it. Besides," he said, softer now because Merlin still hadn't opened his eyes, "Arthur is going to be king one day. He can never marry someone like you, you knew that even before you knew about your destiny."

Merlin nodded. "I know."

He knew, but it didn't stop him from leaning into Arthur's touch whenever they were close.

"Merlin," Arthur said one night, sounding for once unsure of himself. It was a tone so unfamiliar in Arthur's voice that Merlin turned around, surprised.

Arthur was sitting up in bed, the sheets low over his hips. Merlin's breath caught at the way the moonlight shone on Arthur's skin. His mouth was half open, gaping at Merlin like he was trying desperately for words to come to him.

"Nothing," He said, when apparently no words would come. "You're dismissed."

Merlin bowed, because he was the servant and Arthur was the prince.

"Good night, Sire," He said, and fled, hoping Arthur didn't see the way his heart was breaking.

"Father wants me to marry," Arthur said another day, when he was lounging in his chair and Merlin was making up his bed, "He says some lords will be visiting and I'm to entertain their daughters."

"He said you're supposed to marry one of them?" Merlin asked.

"No, but he implied it," Arthur said sullenly, "He said I'm sure to like at least one of them."

"They can't all be spoilt princesses," Merlin said.

"I'm sure they won't," Arthur agreed, eyes watching Merlin from across the room, "But I'm sure I won't like any of them."

Merlin kept his eyes lowered. "Don't judge them before you meet them," He said, "You're supposed to have a Queen one day, after all."

"I don't want a Queen," Arthur replied.

Merlin smoothed the sheets on Arthur's bed.

"Your father won't like that," Merlin said after a long pause.

"Father doesn't like anything I do," Arthur said.

"You have a duty to your people."

Arthur sighed. "Sometimes I wish…" He trailed off, looking puzzled.

"What?"

"Nothing," Arthur said.

Every evening Merlin fell into bed with his destiny pounding in his head, and every night he dreamt of Arthur, and every morning he woke with an ache deep in his chest.

"I can't keep doing this," Merlin told Gaius, because talking to the Dragon had stopped being useful a long time ago.

"I'm sorry, my lad," Gaius said, patting Merlin's back, "Arthur is a prince and he must be king one day. He can never be what you want him to be."

"He's everything to me," Merlin murmured, heads in his hands, "Whether he's the prince or not. Everything I do is for him, not just because he's my destiny."

Gaius frowned in sympathy. "Destiny shouldn't be meddled with, no matter how tempting."

"What if destiny is wrong? What if the gods are wrong?" Merlin growled, "He loves me too, Gaius, I know he does. That should be enough, destiny be damned."

"I know it's hard," Gaius said, "But you must remember that your destiny isn't just for your own good, it's for the good of the kingdom. Arthur must marry a princess so that peace can be achieved, and he needs you to stay with him to protect him."

Merlin frowned. "You're no more help than the damn Dragon," He told him.

It became worse, as it always does, with wine.

A feast to welcome a visiting lord was held, and Arthur drank plenty of wine while talking to the lord's daughter. Every time Merlin leaned over the table with the pitcher, Arthur would turn his head just enough for his nose to brush Merlin's temple, or reach out for his goblet before Merlin could pull away so that their fingers brushed.

Arthur excused himself from the table with a nod to the lord and a bow to the lady, then threw his arm around Merlin for support as he stumbled his way to his chambers.

"Merlin," Arthur mumbled, "Meeeeeeeeerlin."

"You've had a lot to drink tonight, sire," Merlin said, heaving Arthur through the door and shutting it behind them.

"Not that much," Arthur sniffed, "And don't call me sire."

"Of course," Merlin said, "Come on, let's get you out of these clothes."

Arthur giggled. Merlin set himself to the task of unclasping Arthur's cloak, which was difficult when Arthur kept smiling at him like that.

"You smell nice tonight," Arthur said.

"I smell like I always do," Merlin said tightly.

"Mm," Arthur hummed. "I like it."

Merlin folded the cloak and draped it over the back of a chair and said nothing.

"Merlin," Arthur said, his voice a low murmur, "Meeeerlin."

A hand found its way to Merlin's hip, and Merlin gasped.

"Arthur--"

Arthur just hummed and brought his other hand to cup Merlin's neck.

"Arthur, no," Merlin said, summoning his every strength to force Arthur's hands away from him.

Arthur actually looked hurt, which made Merlin falter in his attempts to get away. He didn't drop Arthur's hands, he just held them, frozen in between their bodies.

They stood there so still that the only sound was their breathing. Then Arthur must have decided it had been long enough because he surged forward again, placing one surprisingly gentle hand around Merlin's waist and the other on Merlin's neck. Merlin didn't stop him this time.

Arthur leaned in, pressing his nose against Merlin's. Merlin turned his face away.

"We can't," He said, but he placed his hands around Arthur anyway, "Arthur we can't, you know that we can't."

"I don't care," Arthur said, nuzzling into Merlin's temple and pulling Merlin closer, "I don't care what my father says or what my people say, I just want you."

Merlin shivered. Arthur's lips were brushing against Merlin's skin as he spoke.

"I want you so badly, Merlin, and you want me too."

Merlin closed his eyes. "It doesn't matter what I want," He said, "I'm just a servant. I have a duty, and so do you. We can't do this."

Arthur's hand slid lower so that it rested at the small of Merlin's back. "Please."

Arthur's voice was so desperate, so full of need, that Merlin couldn't have refused him if Uther walked in the room at that very moment. He turned his head to meet Arthur, and brought their lips together.

They kissed like it was the last thing they would ever do, like the lives of everyone depended on them getting closer, closer to one another. Arthur's lips were dry so Merlin wet them with his tongue, and when Arthur's mouth opened he tasted like wine.

Merlin fisted his hands in Arthur's tunic to clutch him tighter, tangled his fingers through Arthur's hair, wished he could touch Arthur everywhere at once.

Arthur's hands were strong, and they gripped Merlin like he was the most precious thing in the world and he couldn't ever let go.

It was everything Merlin had wanted.

"Arthur," He panted, breaking the kiss after it had lasted far too long, "Please, we have to stop."

"No we don't," Arthur said, pressing another kiss to Merlin's lips, then another, and Merlin let him take another two or three before he tried again.

"We do," He said, "You're going to be king one day."

"I don't care."

"You're drunk."

"I don't care."

"Arthur!"

Somehow Merlin found the strength in him to uncurl his fingers from around Arthur and push himself away.

"Listen to me." He stepped away and forced himself to look Arthur in the eye. "You're the prince. Your destiny is to become king and marry some princess. My destiny is to be at your side to serve you, and that's all. That's all we can be."

"Says who?" Arthur demanded.

Merlin thought of the Dragon. "Say the Gods."

"But I want you," Arthur insisted, "I don't care about my destiny or some princess, I want you."

"It can't happen," Merlin said. He hoped he could muster some force into his words, and it must have worked, because Arthur's face fell into a look of absolute misery.

"I'm sorry, Arthur, if things were different…"

"I understand," Arthur said quietly. He seemed to have sobered since they'd entered the room. "You're right. Of course. I'm sorry too."

"Arthur, I--"

"I can take care of myself this evening. You're dismissed."

Arthur tugged his tunic over his head, turning away from Merlin and walking towards his bed.

"Arthur--"

"Good night, Merlin."

Merlin watched Arthur get into bed. "Good night, sire."

He left.

When he woke the next morning he had tears drying on his cheeks.

He arrived at Arthur's chambers only to find another servant placing Arthur's breakfast on the table.

"Merlin, this is George," Arthur said without looking up, "George will be looking after me today. You can have the day off."

Merlin floundered for something to say.

"I'm happy to work today, sire."

"George has got it covered," Arthur said, still without looking up.

George looked at Merlin and raised an eyebrow, probably for daring to argue with the prince.

"Of course. Thank you."

The next morning Merlin was sent away again, and the next morning he didn't bother going.

"What's happened?" Gaius asked him. They were in the corridor, Merlin carrying Gaius' bag as they went around the castle because Merlin had nothing better to do. Arthur walked past them, meeting Merlin's gaze and holding it for a second too long before moving on as though he hadn't noticed them at all.

"Nothing," Merlin lied.

"Oh come on," Gaius chided, "There's clearly something wrong or else you would have been complaining all day. What is it?"

"It's nothing," Merlin said, "Arthur and I had a fight, that's all."

"You're always hurling insults at each other. What makes this different?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

Gaius peered at Merlin, but Merlin kept his face carefully neutral and avoided Gaius' gaze.

"Oh, Merlin," Gaius sighed, "Tell me you didn't--"

"Please, Gaius," Merlin said, and Gaius must have heard the pain in Merlin's voice because he fell silent.

"Come on then, there are more patients to see." They went on and Gaius didn't bring it up again.

Days turned into a week. Merlin couldn't shake the memory of Arthur's lips, or the way his hands felt when they held Merlin tight. Merlin felt Arthur's hair between his fingers. At night Merlin lay desperately trying to stamp the memories down, down deep inside him and lock them away somewhere they wouldn't bother him. Somewhere they wouldn't interfere with destiny and he could carry on in peace.

On the seventh day Merlin stood in the council chambers during court even though he'd been dismissed, waiting for Arthur to say something, either to sack Merlin for good or ask him to come back to work, back by his side.

When Uther declared court dismissed, Merlin and Arthur found themselves standing near each other in the jumble of people exiting the room.

"Merlin," Arthur said.

"Sire," Merlin said politely.

They watched each other until Uther approached Arthur to take him away with a hand on his back. Arthur looked back at Merlin as he walked away. Merlin watched him go.

That evening there was a knock on Gaius' chamber door.

"I need to speak with Merlin," Arthur said, looking past Gaius into the room. Merlin was sitting at the table, copying labels onto new vials.

"Of course," Gaius said, glancing back at Merlin, "But is now really the best time?"

"I need to speak with him," Arthur repeated firmly. "Alone, if you would be so kind."

Gaius raised an eyebrow at Merlin, and Merlin gave him a short nod.

"Very well, sire," Gaius said, and left with a final glance between Merlin and Arthur.

When they were alone, Merlin stood and wiped his ink-stained hands on a cloth.

"Do you need something, sire?"

Arthur's mouth opened, but no words came. He looked nervous, for once, just like that night so long ago when he called Merlin's name before bed.

"Sire?"

Arthur took a deep breath. "To hell with destiny," He said.

"What?"

"To hell," Arthur repeated, his voice growing with confidence, "With destiny, to hell with the gods, and to hell with my duty to my father. I'm going to be king and I'm going to marry someone I like and well, that's not some princess."

Merlin didn't trust himself to say anything, so he didn't. Instead he stepped away from the table, facing Arthur completely.

"I don't want to marry someone I don't love," Arthur announced, looking Merlin straight in the eye, "I want someone I love with all my heart. I don't care if it isn't my destiny or if it isn't what the gods want or if it isn't what my father wants…" He stepped closer to Merlin.

"One day I'm going to be king," He said, "I will need someone by my side to love and support me, someone who is completely honest with me, that I can share a bed with every night and know that no matter how badly I mess up the kingdom they will love me."

He took another step closer. Merlin unconsciously leaned in so they were only an arm's length apart.

"I want someone to be with someone because we love each other, not because we're both rich," Arthur said.

He drew in another deep breath. "I love you, Merlin," He said, "It isn't my destiny or my duty but it's right. As king I should act on what I think is right, don't you think?"

Merlin's heart was beating so fast it would probably be visible on his chest if anyone cared to look.

He thought of Gaius and how he said Arthur was duty-bound to marry a princess. He thought of the Dragon who said it was his destiny to serve and protect Arthur, but not to love him. He thought of the gods, who had destiny so carefully planned out and would not approve of anyone altering the course of their plan.

Gaius would tell him it would end terribly. The Dragon would tell him it would be the downfall of Albion. The gods would probably punish him.

"Merlin," Arthur said, "Say something."

Merlin stepped closer.

If he listened to Gaius and the Dragon and the gods, if he left Arthur, it would make the Dragon happy, and Uther happy, but it would break Arthur's heart.

Merlin cupped a hand around Arthur's neck, leaned in, and kissed him.

To hell with destiny, Merlin thought. What does destiny have to do with loving Arthur? When Arthur kisses him like this, when he wraps his arms around Merlin and holds him close like he's the most precious treasure, what does destiny have to do with anything?

Nothing, Merlin decided, as he hugged Arthur tighter, Nothing at all. Camelot would be safe, Albion would not fall, the gods would not care. So long as he loved Arthur and Arthur loved him, destiny and the gods had nothing to do with that.

To hell with destiny, Merlin thought, and kissed Arthur again.


End file.
